Being Enough

Finding Peace with Who We Are

Expectations with anything can leave us disappointed. Humans all have limits and perfection eludes us. Of course, we all have assets, but when the spirit is repressed by unmet emotional needs and limiting beliefs, a sense of not being enough to meet what it takes to find fulfillment in ourselves can take on a leading role in our lives.

This goes on to reflect that we are not enough for others. Even more challenging, nobody is good enough for us. We may find ourselves, sabotaging our relationships. Having difficulty feeling that we can hold on to our relationships and even abandoning ourselves.

One blind spot may be that we don’t have an understanding of what it would take to make us happy. The constant search for personal material gain, to feel personal success, to look better than our fellow humans, and all of the conditions that we have to meet to find acceptance and a place of belonging. To feel like a winner rather than a loser. When we are winners, others may become jealous. Can we win?

It says a lot about the state of our race and the dog-eat-dog world of competition. Where we trample on others rather than assist each other to become whole. It is primitive human instinct.

Some of us know we are all in the same collective experience. When we raise our own vibration, we are helping each other. I see it as an evolution of humanity that is gaining momentum with a ripple effect.

The ability to heal our emotional bodies and meet our own emotional needs, is a skill sought by many. I mean ‘what is our purpose on the earth’? How do we become enough for everybody and ourselves.

Or are we already enough? Just to be part of the collective energy pool and to play whatever part our resonating vibration sets the stage for .

How to change my vibration has been an ongoing quest for me. I did not want to wallow in a limited mind set. I wanted to master my energy, my vibration, my emotions.

I was troubled. I needed to know.

The following passage tells the story of my journey of discovering why I was enough. Just to be where ever I was and in whatever state of being. It is all acceptable. It is all enough.

Note: My family are only human. No hatred or blame here. Just patterns formed.

Becoming Enough

I travel into my emotion. I sit with it for a while.

It took deep exploration for the message I was looking for to be revealed.

Then my astrological chart appeared. I was burdened with a heavy opposition of the unexpected, a compounded force of mind scape planets against my authentic being that strived towards the ideal.

‘Not enough’ was the essence of the emotional energy pattern.

Pluto, Uranus and Mercury opposing Pisces ascendant.

Then came the message.  An ugly baby with no hair. Not wanted, even from conception. A burden. An inconvenience. A blemish against my mother’s worth. Another baby so soon. Why so soon. Couldn’t it be at a later time. Why so soon. 

That was the pattern that carried all of my life. I was never enough. I did not fill my mothers or father’s heart unless it was them that needed to be loved. I was a burden on my brother who was only 15 months older than me. Competition for being seen stepped up and I was rejected by him. I remember he constantly put me down. I was ruining his performance by being the little sister that tagged along. I paid for that role.

Understandably, it must have been hard on mum. She did not know how to welcome a baby. She had been raised with 3 siblings in a war zone. When I look at my mother, I believe she has the same pattern of, not enough.

This pattern left me feeling separate from a circle of friends. The school yard was charged with anxiety. Never feeling valued in any relationship.

Projecting the same on to my partners.  They were never enough. In fact, I chose low achievers so that I resembled something that functioned.

So now, as a grown up 57 year old woman, I had a date with a potential partner. I did my homework this time. I knew what I did not want and that was….more weight. We all have baggage, but I needed the ability to become transparent, intimate yet self-sustaining and addiction free.

I knew my date had been with beautiful, accomplished women who were petit, exciting, fun. I could not compete.

At one point, I wanted to cancel the event, why complicate my life? I knew that the ‘not enough’ pattern had a place in his life too. I wanted to be more than enough for him. I didn’t want to have to prove myself. I just wanted to be me. I wanted to feel that he was more than enough for me, just as he was.

I decided to take a dive within my inner realm. The following journey came to be.

Journey Into Being Enough

I call back my lost soul that left me when I could not love it. The soul that left me when the groups put pressure on me for not being good enough. My soul when it left the womb feeling it had no right to be born. When it entered the delivery room as ugly. When it could not cope with being conceived. When it was never as good as the next person. When the pressure forced it to quit, because it was not going to make it through to meet the expectations necessary for being enough, for others or itself.

I retrieve you. I stand in my center and call upon higher consciousness to light the way for my lost soul to find the way home.

I wait. I feel pain and sadness. What do you want to express my soul. “I want to cry” it answers.

So I cry. My inner voice speaks. “I wish this never happened to me. I can’t keep going constantly trying to fix myself. Always something to fix. Sigh, yawn. My hair is not straight. A woman in a man’s job as a house painter. Never a partner that was worthy. I was never worthy. Not valued. As a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend a wife. I can’t compete.”

(Victim mentality playing out in a big way. I am human.)

Doubt overcame me. I now felt scared to call my spirit back. ‘Am I worthy of its return? I still feel emotional pain. Heartbroken. I can’t look up; I have a sore neck. I don’t want anyone to see me, I am not worthy of having an eye cast upon me. You must all ignore me.’

(Pathetic, I Know. I am human.)

I turn to my higher consciousness and ask. ‘How do I repair this massive gaping void?’ I feel a lump in my throat. I call out into the ether. “Come home to heal soul. Come home”. I wait. I center myself into the light of higher consciousness and wait, still calling at the same time. I become a sphere. Energy enters my sphere and into my heart.

I am in my heart now. Slowly filling with love.

A voice speaks “Dear soul. You were always enough. You are a part of the divine. You are loved without the need of others. You are all connected. You have always been enough. Allow the divine to work through you. Stop trying to become more. Just be present without force. Soft and flowing gently. Apply yourself knowing that the moment is all you need to work with. The divine is always present. I will not desert you. Never turn away. Stay centered in the unity of higher self. You are love. You are pure love. That is enough. You are enough.”

Images appear along with the voice. I find myself traveling through conception through, youth, primary school, high school and life as all I need to be. No more no less. I stand within my higher realm.

The voice continues. “You have all you need here. You will be provided for. You are safe. No one will leave you here. You are all you need out there. Your animals of strength are with you”.

The sun beams upon and through me. I become light, pure light. I rise and take flight.

Voice speaks. “You are everything and everything is you. You are enough”.

I then feel graced by the glory of the divine.

Voice speaks. “Thank you. Return now.” Wow. I am back. I get up and walk around. My heart is full.

I sit back down and look at my dog. He looks at me with love.

I speak to him. “I come here to heal Bay. We have lost many. But I am enough”. I feel it.

I look at him and I can hear the wind blowing outside. “We are enough and so are they”.