Dealing With Loss

I thought I had already explored my fear of losing a partner. Abandonment had been met and replaced with, being enough.

But there was something still pulling my strings. Still playing an uncomfortable tune. Why was I still scared of being, left alone? I am, enough by myself.

It can be a little disappointing, when you feel like you have done the work and still, a triggered emotion keeps appearing. You can look at a trigger like a part of a pillar that is holding up your subconscious temple.

When the trigger is activated, your pillar becomes unstable. You become unstable. It can put pressure on all the pillars around it. Even worse, if the pillar falls and crashes, it can take the whole building with it. Then you are in trouble. Just like the contamination of one bad apple causing the closest apples around it to rot. Each pattern of unstable emotions, even if related, needs individual repair.

In this instance, I found the emotional feeling of Abandonment sat closely to Loss. It took me a few attempts before I truly met loss.

I became a little confused with the communication. I sat with my feelings, attempting to connect, and began to communicate to the emotional energy unit, letting it know that I was there for it.

I soon began to feel like I was being pulled down. It felt threatening. It was like being pulled into an abyss. I stopped and returned to become present back in the physical room. This was my first attempt. This was different. I must try again.

My second attempt led down the same rabbit hole. I was being pulled down, and once more I pulled out and came back to the physical room in which I sat. I questioned what was happening. It was a new experience, and I was not sure of myself. I found myself in a moment of surprise and settled on the knowledge that I would return to the work another time.

Not much time had passed and as you may have guessed, the uncomfortable emotion did not let up. There was a disturbance, there was something wrong within my subconscious reasoning.

I was in a physical situation where the river on my property was in flood, and I was trapped. My partner had a severe trigger day before and he was in flight, leaving me just before the river became uncrossable. Well, many would say that is a bad thing to happen, but for me, it turned out to be a good thing.

It gave me the time and space I needed to think about not taking on the emotional instability of another. How to trust that all was as it should be and to know there are unstable emotional foundations in all of us. Other people’s insecurities are not my fault. The best I could do was to fix my own insecurities.

I pondered further trying to work out who is responsible for unmet needs in a relationship. How I cannot share with or assist anyone who is not seeking my knowledge or assistance. They are responsible for themselves, and they must find their own way, one which suite them. I cannot tell them how to walk to the summit that I can see. We all have different perspectives and we must pursue our own paths. We are all driven by different beliefs. Consideration can be of value with this knowledge.

Every morning, I walked to the river to see how high the water level had risen. The fury of the force in the water reminded me of a severe emotional outburst of blind rage. Once the emotion was in action, there was no stopping it. The only thing you can do is wait for it to subside.

That waiting period depended on how much rain fell and how much water had compounded in the given environment.

I watched the strength of the river undermine the soil that held the roots of the weaker trees. The river then pulled them away from what they once knew as solid ground, letting go of their grip to float down towards the sea. Some floating trees and broken branches would pile up against the stronger standing trees, just to wait for another flood to carry them away. Some floated straight to the ocean, and some would lay dead on the ever-changing outer banks for years.

The river can give life, and it can take it away. Everything comes and goes.

The quote written by someone unknown stands true.” The only thing that holds constant, is change”.

I am now trapped on a piece of soaked land, stuck inside my cozy dry house, waiting for the 7-meter-high river level to drop to 1.5 meters so that I can then cross with my kayak and head back towards ‘civilization’. Time is one thing I had a lot of.

My own unstable emotional trigger kept appearing as anxiety. Here it was, another opportunity to use a trigger to heal, had presented itself. Like I already stated, I thought I had dealt with abandonment, but I decided to revisit the emotion to make sure I still had a healthy cellular imprint.

I searched for the feeling of abandonment, yet everything seemed well with the restructured pattern. I am, a capable individual who could survive on my own. So, what was this evasive emotion trying to tell me.

I once again made the effort to return to the emotion for the third attempt. I was aware that if I was going to be pulled down again, I would go with the fall.

Indeed, the fall began, and I was pulled down into the depths of the earth where I found her screaming in a cave. She was an adult me. I saw myself running towards me, waving her hands and yelling, “you have done it again!”

Expletives get thrown about. “You have lost the person I love. You are always destroying my relationships! I have lost so many people I love! You try and control everything! Everyone runs! You should shut up! You should listen to them! You are a f*?^&*((*&^&& (*&^%$%^&&^!!! “, and it goes on and on.

I stand witnessing her distress.

Then she screams again, screams in pain for the loss of all the people she has loved and lost. I let her scream until she is exhausted. Until she has run out of voice, I just listen and acknowledge her pain. Her chest is breaking open. Her scream is high and deep at the same time. She aches. She cries. Then she falls on her knees. She bows her head, puts her hands together on her lap and hides her face between her arms sobbing. She is done.

Well! She really let me know how she felt, and I understood. I knelt beside her and put my arm around her shoulder. I gave her sincere acknowledgement. I told her I was sorry and that I know what and how she felt. She looked at me as if to say, “see, see what you are doing to me”.

I looked at her and showered her with love. “It is OK. It is OK to lose someone you love. They have their own problems to deal with and in this life, everything comes and goes. It is the nature of this planet. It is here to teach us how to let go and accept that nothing stays the same. We own nothing.

Those who experience loss have come here to learn how to let go. To understand that we are ever evolving. We are ever growing into different shapes. Emotionally and physically.

She lit up like there was an aha moment. She understood. She looked toward the river that now presented and watched the wood float down the rapids.

She understood. A light began to glow in her heart. This was grace, this was acceptance, this was understanding that we cannot hold on to anything, even our own way of being. The light expanded and she began to heal by the knowing that this is how we grow and evolve.

I sat with her a while and watched the stars around us float past. She sat content, knowing that even though the stars would come and go, her own inner light connected her to all of them and to everything. When all is lost, everything is found.